everybody's grand

Whenever I find myself slipping back into old ways and the ever-persistent wrath of ED, I think about my own death.

I know, I know. Thinking about such a morbid event doesn’t exactly sound like the best way to boost your mood. And no, I am not an extremely negative and grim person. Hear me out!

If feelings of anxiety around food rear their ugly head and I begin to feel self-conscious about my body and self as a whole, I try to look at the bigger picture. And to put things into perspective, I imagine how I am going to feel on my deathbed.

FYI I am hoping that my death is a long long way away. Actually, I’ve been told that, in future, we will probably be able to live eternally if we are willing to hook up our brains to a computer. How weird and unromantic is that… Thank YOUUU modern day science.

Moving on. My thoughts were this: Will I be able to look back at my life and say I lived it to the full? Will I be able to say I embraced every opportunity and relationship that came my way? And, most importantly, will I be able to say that I lived a happy life?

If I/ we devote so much of our time and thinking to controlling our food and weight, how can we truly embrace life? If we are constantly allowing that voice in our head to bully us and tell us that we aren’t good enough, how are we going to be happy?

A few years ago, I definitely wouldn’t have been able to take this message on board as to be honest, I really had to just give a lot of control surrounding my recovery over to my loved ones. ED’s voice was far too strong for me to conquer it by myself with strategies such as this one. But now that I have (just about!) managed to find balance on my own two feet, this way of thinking can help me whenever I begin to struggle a bit again.

I may not get my brain hooked up to some high-tech machine of the future and in this case, it is quite likely that I will die one day. When it is approaching, I don’t want to look back on my life and have regrets. I don’t want all of my should-be happy memories to be shrouded by darkness like when I dined with my family but was more preoccupied with calculating the calories and macro nutrients in everything on the table than engaging in the fun and laughter going on. Or the times I didn’t go out because I was worried that everyone would judge me for putting on weight. Or the times I forced myself to exercise even when I felt extremely sick. All of these were my reality for quite some time but I’m only 24. I have plenty of time to make some good memories.

I want to be able to recall all of the good times and achievements I have made. And when I think of it, I highly doubt that having a low body fat percentage, eating low carbs or working out until you vomit are things that dying people will recall with fondness.

A few years ago a friend that was trying to help me with career choices asked me what I was interested in bar nutrition and exercise. I had nothing to say and honestly, that scared me. I had been living in ED’s bubble for so long and unlike a normal bubble (who doesn’t like normal bubbles?!), the walls aren’t transparent from the inside-out. You lose sight of all that is good in the world and don’t notice the beautiful things in nature, in people, in books…basically all around you.

It took longer than I expected it would but I have emerged from that bubble. I am still rediscovering things I once loved, as well as finding new things that I have an interest in. And it’s great! It makes me excited about life and the opportunities it can bring.

When I am on my deathbed, it would be cool to be able to say that I did important things such as write a book, help to find a cure for cancer or play a key role in the conservation of certain species. It would also be great to be able to say I invented peanut butter that doesn’t stick to your teeth, found a cure for hangovers and learned how to do that dance that Turk does in Scrubs. (The latter achievements are pretty damn important to me too!)

But if I can’t say any of these things, that’s ok. I just want to be able to say that I lived a happy life and embraced all that it threw at me. Discovering happiness is, in itself, an achievement that unfortunately many people  do not reach. Sharing this happiness with others is equally so and I hope that when I go, people will remember me for doing just this and not for my love for broccoli and “healthy living”.

Nutrition and exercise are only one part of your life. Negative thoughts about oneself are a natural part of life. But if you find these thoughts are getting more frequent and your feelings around “health” are getting more obsessive, try and look at the bigger picture. If you aren’t sure what way your own life is heading, seek role models. Ones that have more to offer the world than a six pack and a few too many narcissistic  photos of their perfectly sculpted asses in the gym.

And, as always, if you need it SEEK SUPPORT!

Everyone’s views on what comes after death are different and I personally feel that nobody is in control of exactly what comes next. However, what we can control is life BEFORE death and we owe it to ourselves to make it the best we possibly can.

On that note and on this rare sunny day in Ireland, I’ll sign off by saying, get out and enjoy that sunshine!

Amy.

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