Well well guys, long time no see. Or chat. Or whatever we are doing here.

The last few months have been pretty hectic, between moving out, moving home, Christmas and moving away, hence the silence from my end. It has all been good change (bar the 10 or so mosquito bites I am currently trying to distract myself from!) and now I am currently fulfilling a dream of travelling the world long-term. Hopefully my trip will give me plenty of inspiration for this blog and other projects I’m working on.

My post today is about finding your purpose. I truly believe that we are all here for a reason, perhaps even several reasons, and that we all have something good to offer the world. That’s not to say that we all find our purpose and live by it – we all are well aware that sadly some people never feel truly fulfilled and some others spend their lives spreading negativity – but I do think that in the main, we all have the potential to find our purpose, harness it and live by it.

To me, your purpose is something that you are good at and that also makes you happy and fulfilled. It makes you feel alive! And hopefully, it will spread joy to others around you too.

Now, I ain’t no prophet or magician. I may have earned myself the nickname ‘Bad Wizard’ in college but that had much more to do with a beloved purple starry dressing gown (RIP robe) than my ability to conjure up life purposes for people.

You need to find it for yourself. However, in saying that, there’s no harm in spending nights staying up late drinking gin with close friends discussing what life is all about in an effort to determine your purpose. It will only bring you closer to finding it. Or perhaps just closer to a hangover…

Anyway, there are endless examples as to what your purpose might be, and it isn’t necessarily something like finding a cure for cancer or saving giant pandas (though these are very admirable goals if they are what you wish to do!) Your purpose could be raising and looking after a family. It could be teaching people how to play the piano. It could even be selling peanut butter pancakes from a stall on the side of the street (if it is, please send some my way).

It doesn’t matter what it is. As long as it ticks the boxes. Does it make me happy? Am I good at it? < (don’t be modest here!) Does it make me feel fulfilled? Does it have a positive effect on others, even in the tiniest way?

It doesn’t have to be a career and it doesn’t have to take up all of your time. In fact, it shouldn’t take up ALL of your time. But it should be something that makes you feel good and that you factor into your life in some shape or form.

‘Ok I get it!’ you say. But why is this relevant on a blog about body image and eating disorders?

Well, I think that there are plenty of scenarios in life that can cause us to lose sight of our purpose and an eating disorder is definitely one of them. I have written a bit before about the bubble that you become trapped in what you are living with the illness and how ED makes you believe that sticking with him and his rules is the only thing you are good at. In a way, he tells you that listening to him and perhaps, losing some more weight, is your purpose. But this is not the case. I for one can vouch that, no matter how much you restrict, no matter how much you overexercise, no matter how much weight you lose, it will NOT make you happy. It will not make you feel fulfilled. It will not have a positive effect on others around you, not in the slightest.

Now, just to remind you, it is nobody’s fault that you have ended up in this bubble. Especially not your own. It could take months, even years to get out, but if you stick with recovery and trust your loved ones, it can and will get better.

It’s a scary thing leaving that bubble, so if you are doing it for the first time, don’t be surprised or disappointed if you have a few fallbacks. But please make sure you have some form of support around you to bring you back up on your feet.

It has taken me longer than I would like to face up to admitting to truly get out of that bubble; in fact I sometimes wonder if I have an arm or a leg still left in there on occasion. But in saying that, life is good now, really good. In the past, I would pop my head and shoulders out of the bubble, begin to enjoy life and all it brings, start to ponder about what I am doing with my life, freak out and quickly retreat back, either to a much milder version of ED, or to convincing myself my life’s purpose was to become  a nutritionist or something. Which I know now, would be the worst idea in the entire world for me personally. Thanks to ED, I already know the ins and outs of every single food item out there and it is something I am hoping to one day erase from my memory completely!

After that period came a time of comparison. I didn’t know what I wanted to do so I started trying to find others to emulate. ‘Maybe I’ll become a badass kickboxer like her?’ ‘I think I would like to save the monkeys like him.’ ‘That girl has her life sussed.’

But with a bit of time, plenty of space and lots of ageing (I’m almost 25 #ancient ;)), I have, I think, pinpointed a few things that tick the boxes for me and have started to work towards them.  I won’t divulge now because hey, they may or may not turn out to be what I want, but at least I can say I gave them a go. I’ll let you know if it works out.

Whether you have found your purpose or not, I can tell you that it is certainly not living by ED’s rules. My reason for being is not to lose weight, not to exercise myself into exhaustion, not to know how many calories are in apple or a chocolate donut. So, hard as it can be on occasions that ED briefly returns, I will fight against devoting any more time to these things.

For anyone out there struggling, I promise you, they are not your reasons for being either. But you will find your reason if you give it time. In the meantime, get out there, see the world, spend time with love ones, eat the food.

I will leave you with a quote from Maya Angelou, which is simple but speaks to me.

‘This is a wonderful day. I have never seen this one before.’

Amy.

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