I’m not one to cry often. It’s not a new thing really, I feel emotion, the tears just don’t often appear. I have, however, quite literally cried over spilled milk when I dropped not one, but two, lattes all over a lovely elderly couple during the first few days in a new job as a waitress. TWO lattes. Two hot lattes. When I was only 19. I think my tears were justifiable.
I think crying is fantastic and really normal but as I say, something that happens for me rarely and almost always when I least expect it. So it caught my by surprise this afternoon when, while driving along in my car, an ad on the radio made me well up. As if the road visibility in this snowy weather wasn’t bad enough, I now had tears between me and the road!
The ad in question was one from Bodywhys for Eating Disorders Awareness Week, which is taking place all this week for those who are unaware. At first, I wasn’t quite sure why this made me choke up. ED (i.e. the name I use here for the eating disorder voice for those who haven’t been following) doesn’t really show up too often anymore. He is now kind of like one of those annoying neighbours who turns up four times a year to make a complaint about something. Luckily for me, I know him so well by now that I find it quite easy to shut the door in his face.
I figure I became emotional because the ad made me realise just how far things have come, both for me and for society in general. Maybe it doesn’t feel like people understand you and your ED or maybe it feels like nobody is listening but the fact that there even are radio ads, newspaper articles and bloggers focusing on this subject makes me hopeful that things are moving in the right direction. Slowly perhaps, but still moving. I know we still have a longggg way to go in terms of reducing the stigma surrounding EDs, not to mention in terms of meeting the dire need for accessible services here. But any move forward is good right? I don’t remember many (or any?!) ads about eating disorder awareness on the radio when I first became sick all those ten years ago. Actually, almost 11 years ago now. Yes I’m ancient.
Realising how far I have come personally is also a huge deal to me. I remember only too well asking my Mum when things would get better, get easier. Each time she would hug me and tell me I was doing great and that it was just going to take time. I didn’t feel like I was doing great at all and genuinely felt like that time would never come. Then fast forward to today and I suddenly realised that hey, Mum was right (just don’t tell her I said that). Things did get easier. The world did get a lot brighter again. My physical health bounced back to its rightful place and my mental health trundled along behind it. It took time and a lot of it but I am living proof that it happened!
I realise that I am one of the lucky ones. Eating disorders have the highest mortality rate of any mental illness and I am eternally grateful that I was lucky enough to have an amazing support network to help me out of the great almighty hole that I found myself in.
So, why write this post? I didn’t really want to talk to you about spilling lattes and crying. I didn’t do it so that I could get praise and a medal. However, considering the only medal I recall ever receiving was one of those “medals for everyone in the audience” on a primary school sports day, I wouldn’t say no to a real one.
For those of you who have gotten this far and are feeling disappointed that Fergie didn’t feature following the misleading blogpost title, sorry about that. But you have made it this far so you may as well keep reading as you might learn something useful 😉
My main reason for dropping in here again is to remind people that people can and do recover from eating disorders. I can’t tell you how long that will take. I can tell you that the journey will probably be pretty shitty, though if you are in recovery and reading this, I am sure you know that already. I can also tell you that though it is hard, it is so so worth it.
I know it can be hard to believe in recovery when it feels like nobody gets what you’re going through. Sure the media is awash with eating disorder stories at the moment, which is fantastic, but next week life will move on for most people, except those people still struggling with this crippling illness. But please, hang in there and believe me when I say things can get better. I may not have a shiny piece of paper declaring me a professional in this area but I am pretty sure my life to date granted me enough knowledge to know! On a side note, my shiny piece of paper does say I did French in college but I am pretty sure my knowledge of EDs is superior to my French language skills, malheureusement.
I hope this blogpost helped a little, or in the very least, gave you a smile. “Anne from WordPress”, who I am pretty sure is just a bot (sincere apologies if you are real Anne) has emailed me to tell me this blog is up for renewal soon and despite my sporadic postings, I’m going to do it. I’m never gonna be blogger of the year because frankly, I am too lazy for that. But if I can help even one person struggling with an ED to feel a bit better on their journey or assist someone else in understanding this illness, I’m happy. And if anyone ever has any blogpost suggestions, I would be more than happy to write them, provided they are relevant and not about your 11-year-old son’s football match (long story).
Stay warm everyone!
Amy.
x
everybody's grand 