…ain’t nothin but a heartache,
Ain’t nothin but a mistake,
I never wanna hear you say,
I want it thaaaaat way.
(Backstreet Boys, ‘I Want it That Way’…. for those who don’t know. You should know though…)
Sorry about that brief outburst. With a title like that, I couldn’t help myself! Without further ado, I will get on with why I came here in the first place;)
Sometimes, particularly over the last month or two, I’ve felt a pang of guilt for keeping this blog. I’ve felt guilty for not updating it enough and guilty for not putting enough time into making it look better. The main reason I can feel guilty about it though is because I don’t always manage practice what I preach.
Sometimes I can’t see things from a positive perspective. Sometimes the glass is half empty – and I’m not talking about my glass of G and T as I make sure to keep those guys topped up. Sometimes I don’t feel like I love my body. Sometimes I’d rather just go to bed than try to fight off the negative thoughts.
Note, I say sometimes, not all the time! I do manage to live by my words and views most of the time. But there are times when I struggle to and this had me feeling guilty. ‘You are nothing but a sham!’ my inner critical voice cried. ‘How can you write about body positivity and self-love when you are not even making an attempt to get into the boxing ring and fight the nasty thoughts that I bring?’
Though I reminded my inner voice that, A: I don’t box and B: I am a lover and not a fighter, I also found myself agreeing. Maybe I shouldn’t keep this blog. Maybe I’m a shite example to anyone reading.
Eventually though, I came around to asking myself the question: why did I set this blog in the first place?
Was it to prove that I am the “perfect” example of a recovered anorexic? No.
Was it to be a role model and have everyone follow my lead? No.
Was it to gain attention for my troubles? No.
Was it to bring fame for my cat by throwing in some photos every now and then? Partially, yes, but in the main, no.
The main reason I started this blog was to start a conversation. A conversation that I was too ashamed and afraid to start many years ago. A conversation that I hope others in similar situations will feel encouraged to chime in on, or perhaps one that will even inspire them to start their own.
You see, when it comes to recovery from any mental health problem, conversation is key. I think we all know that. Unfortunately, I’m sure we all also know that asking for help or opening up in such a situation is one of the most difficult things you can do. On the flip side, it’s pretty damn hard for an onlooker to ask those three simple words to a loved one: ‘are you ok?’
It’s funny that we can be so open about our physical health. We tell people about our backaches, high cholesterol and chest infections all of the time. In fact, I experienced an extreme example of this while on a bus in France. I met a nice old woman who chatted to me for the whole journey home, before giving me her email address and told me to email her. I few weeks later, I came across the address and sent a quick email. I got a lovely detailed response, in which she told me about her holidays, her plans for the weekend…and the fact that she had thrush down below (actually she said ‘vaginal thrush’ but I was very hesitant to type that…There. I said it!) Now, perhaps my French is just terrible but I am 99.9 percent sure about this one!
Unfortunately, we aren’t as brutally honest about our mental health. We don’t need to tell people absolutely everything that goes through our minds – sure if I did that I would probably scare a lot of people away and/ or be arrested! But if we could just find that bit of courage or those few words inside of us to confide in somebody, it could mean a lot less broken souls and a lot less lives lost.
So by using this blog to start a conversation, I hope I can encourage anyone struggling to start their own. Even when it feels like you’re on your own, there is always somebody to confide in, be it someone close to you or a counsellor or otherwise. And believe me, people will be more accepting you think. Nobody has treated me any differently since I opened up and if they were do to so, they would get a swift kick to the kerb!
It’s between a mental health difficulty and life. Though you can’t choose to have or not have a mental health issue, you can make a positive choice towards life. All you need to do is start that conversation.
Thanks for reading. I’m off to have relive the days of the Backstreet Boys!
Amy,
x.
everybody's grand 