everybody's grand

What will they think of me? Will they notice that I look different? Will they think that I’ve let myself go?

All of these thoughts  ran through my head one day a little while back. They really caught me by surprise as until then, I had been feeling quite content. It was the first time in a long time that the taunting voice of my eating disorder came knocking. I was getting ready to meet up with people that I hadn’t seen in well over a year and instead of thinking happy, positive thoughts about seeing old friends, I was wondering whether they’d notice that I am slightly bigger than I used to be. Yes that’s right. Despite the fact that I was happier, much healthier and in a better place work-wise than I was when I saw them last, I was wondering what they’d think of me for not being the person I once was. The disciplined, controlling, food-fearing, anxious, overexercising person who did everything that the eating disorder voice said but still managed to appear slim and smiling on the outside. Oh yeah, this person also cried when her mum bought her a strawberry milkshake (it was well over 5 years ago now so I can actually laugh at that!)

On this day in question, I had two choices. I could listen to these thoughts, dwell on them and allow them to ruin my day. OR I could listen to them, rationalise them and get on with my day care-free. Hey, I may even enjoy it! Bonus points if I manage to make a blog post out of the experience.

Evidently, I went with the latter, which is something that I definitely could not have done many years ago during the ED days. For anyone out there struggling with an ED, I promise you that it does get easier to think more positively about yourself and learn to question and dismiss these critical thoughts. I wouldn’t be sitting here alive and well typing this story if I was lying to you 😉

So, anyways! This experience got me thinking, thinking and thinking some more which led to me to ask: why do we base so much of our self-worth on our appearance?

 

Think about it. Most of us spend hundreds of euro a year on beauty products, clothes and treatments to make us look good. Arguably, these products are sometimes essentials and many others make us feel good so I suppose that’s ok. But what else? In the media, we are constantly hearing about how a celebrity has ‘worked hard’ to get their ‘toned bod’ or how this ‘inspirational’ mum ‘bounced back’ after pregnancy. Of course, these stories also usually show photos of a smiling person who says they are ‘happier, more confident and more loved up than ever before’. These phrases, images and buzz words such as ‘inspirational’ are coupled together and end up telling us one thing: looking fit, toned and ‘beautiful’= success. Photos showing celebrities who have gained weight or aren’t dolled up to the nines usually come with stories about how they’re comfort eating after a break-up or having alcohol-fuelled junk food binges. What is this implying? Gaining weight and not looking your best=failure and letting yourself go.

Look at other examples outside of the trashy magazine and sites (which I swear I don’t read but I spend enough time slating them so I know what they say!) In the majority of Hollywood films, the stereotypically good looking person ends up falling in love with the other stereotypically good looking person. The Barbie dolls we have as kids are always tall, slim and without a blemish whereas on the boys side (or perhaps not, who said girls can’t play with Action Man and boys play with Barbie?) the dolls are muscular, usually tanned and clean cut. Barbie lives it up in her Malibu penthouse while Action Man goes out to save the world. So once again, this unrealistic portrayal of beauty is equated with success.

Ok ok. So I realise that a large proportion of us know by now that we obviously can’t look like a Barbie doll. In today’s world, many people may also acknowledge the fact that the images we see in magazines or on tv are misleading due to the use of photoshop and thus, they don’t compare themselves to celebrities. And that’s great! However, even if many do have these realisations, I feel that the obsession with looking good is higher than ever (higher than it has been in all of my 23 years at least!)

This could be somewhat due to the rise of social media and blogging. Nowadays, it seems that every second person is a ‘fitness blogger’ or ‘clean eater’ who posts pictures of their carefully prepared gluten free, dairy free, fun free meals, their new workout gear or their posey bikini pics. Certain photo blogging sites have basically become platforms for people to post photos of themselves as they wait for comments to role in: ‘Amazing’ ‘Flawless’ ‘Gorgeous’

Why do we feel the need to do this? Why do we need to get this external validation? Perhaps it goes back to what I said earlier about the image-obsessed culture that has been ingrained in society by the media. But who knows for sure! All I know is, if people  were posting ‘I got an A in my exams’ or ‘I had such a happy day with my family’  as regularly as they put up photos of themselves, most would forgo using the amazing, inspirational and successful buzzwords and instead, accuse them of bragging or just being plain annoying.

Everyone wants to look their best. But the fact of the matter is, we can’t look great all the time. And that’s ok! If we take a step back and stop putting ALL of our self-worth on our appearance, we will learn to love ourselves more. Achieving a ‘perfect’ image does not equal success. Being kind to yourself and others and enjoying life to the best of your ability, now that equals success. Besides, when we reach our eighties, most of us aren’t going to have washboard abs or crease free skin anyway. And will we be successful and happy? You can bet I will anyway! That is, if I turn into the kung fu-fighting, animal-hoarding, scooter-driving granny that I hope to be 😉

I’ll leave you guys with something from my past that I will always remember. When I was going through my bad stage and my body image and food issues were at an all-time high, I spoke with somebody I knew about my problems. Basically at that point, I had  unconsciously based all of my self-worth on my appearance (even though at that stage, my ED was causing me to see a person who looked entirely different to what everyone else saw but anyways…) This person in question got a sheet of A4 paper and drew a big capital ‘A’ (for Amy, duh;P) that had loads and loads of mini ‘As’ inside it. She circled one of the as and said, ‘that symbolises your physical appearance’. Then she pointed at all of the other ‘As’ and said, ‘these are all of the other good things about you. You see, your looks are only one aspect of who you are. If you don’t look like what you perceive to be beautiful, that doesn’t matter. You have so much more to you as a person.’

Well, she said something along those lines. This was a few years back and I have a brain like a sieve. In any case, I hope this little anecdote is useful to you. Though I didn’t take in its message when I first heard it, I can now understand and try to take on board what it is saying.

What will they think of me? Will they notice that I look different? Will they think that I’ve let myself go?

Who cares! I have all of those other little ‘As’ to offer;)